Rough Draft
It was a very rough school
year. Filled with drama, fights, and mixed emotions. I couldn't handle it
anymore. I wanted to scream my lungs out into a pillow so the sound was
muffled. I was searching for happiness, but i
just couldn't find that special place.
During my summer break I traveled everywhere on
Oahu. We went to the beach, the mall, hiking, but nothing felt right. I
would just lay in my room thinking what place makes me calm and happy. I wanted
a special place that is just me and peace.
One day I remember my dad
asking me to help cut the leaves off the hibiscus plant in the backyard. It was
getting a little late after we were done. I was admiring the good work I
did and how the plants looked. When my dad left to go put the materials away I
started playing with my dog fetch. I kicked the ball and looked up to see how
fast she got the ball. There it was. My special place. It was perfect.
As a watch the sun go down
in my backyard, it soothes me and makes me go clueless on what is
going on in life. The down setting sun glistens as the last streaks of
light fade away. As it fades all I could see was the brightest stars in the
whole world. They were
sparkling really, like a diamond in the sky. As I examine
the stars to try and make
a constellation, a cool brisk breeze brushes my
face. That breeze knocked everything out of me
and made me forget about
everything. Just me and beautiful mother nature bonding.
,This was my happy
place. One that I will cherish forever.
From then on I go there and
just sit on the old ancient brick wall and sit to calm me down and get away
from the world around me. I couldn't believe that my special place was right
before my eyes. My backyard. This was my home destination to peace and
happiness.
Tyler you did a good job on giving the reader the image of what is happening in the first 3 par. You need to smooth out the transtion from the 3rd par. to the 4th par. because it weird because you talk about seeing your perfect place to watching the sun go down. You need to talk about your perfect place in earlier paragraphs instead of the last. Other than just that I think that how yo describe the envirorment and the imagery was amazing. Good Job Shimo.
ReplyDeleteI like how you just didn't go straight in to writing about your querencia, you gave a reason to be there. It helped the story make more sense. I think you need to work on revising and reading your draft out loud because ot had a couple of typos. You also jump around in the last two paragraphs, add transitions. Other than that keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you found your special place when you were playing with your dog. But you should have gone more into detail about it. Like, What exactly is it? Is it the sun setting about the ocean at the horizon like mines? Or is it just the sunset? Were there tons of clouds or a very sparse amount of clouds?
ReplyDeleteYou do have some grammar errors too. For example, instead of saying "I started playing with my dog fetch.", you should have said "I started playing 'fetch' with my dog. Otherwise it looks like your saying your dog's name is 'fetch'. And in your fourth paragraph, you sort of lost your past tense instincts when writing and wrote it off like you were in the present. Like instead of watched you put 'watch' or 'soothes' to soothed. As long as you revise your grammar errors then you are pretty much in the clear zone! ;D