Tyler Shimogawa
August 15,2012
Shimogawa's New Years Tradition
It was New Years Eve when everyone was gathered as a big Ohana. But this New Year celebration was different. My soccer team came over. After a hard years work of soccer and school my family wanted to bring everyone together that was special to us. We anxiously waited until the clock turned to 9 p.m, when we could start playing with fireworks. Every second was dreadful and felt like eternity. When I would play with fireworks I would feel like a little kid playing on the playground having the time of my life.
"Guys hurry up and get outside, it's 9 o'clock!" As my friend screamed to the top of his lungs to get out side we dashed out. The party has begun. As we lit the first firework, I felt like we brought some life to the place. On this cold New Years Eve the fireworks gave us warmth and made us feel nice and cozy. It felt like sitting by a campfire while snuggling in a soft blanket."Sizzle,Pack,Boom!" As the noises of fireworks echo in our neighborhood and as the noises ring in our ears, and as the fireworks lit up the sky just like the sun , the time has came. 5,4,3,2,1! "Happy New Years!" I lit the 10,000 firecracker.
The time has come. We all ran into the house. As we dashed in, boom! It punched me right in my face. The savory smell of my families "Traditional New Years Soba." Soba is a type of Japanese noodles. As we all got a steaming hot bowl, well dug in. I was glad everyone loved it because my dad said to me "it's a tradition because the noodles is suppose to give you long life and good blessings. " Something about this wonderful mixture of soba noodle,saimin noodles,green onions, charsiu,and the broth was amazing. The broth soothed our throats and the noodles filled our stomachs.
As the party wrapped up and everyone were saying there goodbyes I was pooped and exhausted I took a bath and knocked out. But boy did I have fun. That was the best New Years ever because I got to spend it with the people I love and my friends and neighbors. Something I will never forget. Hopefully we can do it again next year.
I enjoyed how you used a lot of imagery and how you used tons of sensory details which will engulf the reader so don't change that but you with out a doubt need to talk about your dish more. It's good that you're taking about the memory that's connected to the dish but you need to talk about the dish more, otherwise you're good.
ReplyDeleteRemember the essay should be and focus on the dish that you chose to discuss. You spent majority of your essay talking about popping fireworks on new years and only one paragraph was spent talking about a dish. You need to cut down on your story and talk a lot more about the soba. you need to add why you like it so much, what makes it so special, how often you get to it, etc. Rewrite the essay with your focus on the soba and not so much popping fire works and how much fun you had on new years eve.
ReplyDeleteAlso watch for tense shifts "wrapped up and everyone were" you have past and present tense in the same statement causing error.